Friday, December 10, 2010

What the Heck Is going on (A mental Battle)

In the past three weeks I have gone on 1 4mile run... EKkk... Marathon is in 5 weeks...Can I make it?

I will not be aiming for a good first time any more. I was aiming at a 3:45:00 time...Now I am praying to be in under 4:00:00. Ugh Why is this happening? I was doing so well then one day I just stopped running???

I feel so werid lately. Maybe because work has been slow and I just sit at my desk all day instead of up moving around. I have applied for a new job, one that will pay more, be full time, and have benefits. I love my job, I do. But I do need the money and healthcare. As of right now I am playing Survival of the Fitest by not ever going to the doctor (Sick or not). If I get this job I will have a big commute, possibly public transportation involved. Longer days, but chances of publications, different type of experience (Along with the other pros).

I decided to wait a little bit more for graduate school.

Last night I got to thinking, as I was binge eating. Note: I was able to stop my self after two large bagels with cream cheese and peanut butter. I wonder if I replaced my rage and anger and depression with food. I feel as though the year I took to heal with the therapies and the good for you drugs that it healed me but also harmed me. The happy and calming drugs made me lethargic and not care but very laid back. So now I do not lash out and I do not get angry but I eat alot (emotionally) I was doing so great for few weeks. Now for three weeks this is what I have been doing, eating.

I thought last weekends fun trip that included tons of swimming and excercise would boost me into my routine but now its the daunting 8 miles every other day that scares me, Though I know I can do it.

I should be happy!!! I should be running!!! Grr. I'll figure it out some day... .

Sorry for the rambling...