Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Communication to Motivation

For the past year I have struggle (still) with motivation.  Motivation for school, work, my workouts, health, motivation to do normal household chores.  As I lacked motivation to live, actually I don't know if I'd go that far. But maybe I should. 

From August - Feb 2008- 09 I def struggled with drinking, the worse kind, alone by myself at my parents house.  I didn't go out and drink with friends, I stayed away from everyone I had previously worked so hard to keep by my side.  I kept it from my friends, family, and even my doctors.  By Jan I had taken my self off of my depression and anxiety meds, but I guess now I was still just self medicating. 

I did very well from the time I was moved home to that fall (feb 08 - aug 08) I kept my focus on school, my health and over all well being.  I think it may have been because all eyes were on me to get myself together and move on with my life after the tragic event and how i controlled myself.

But now that I'm better there are still a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my motivation.  Right now I'm trying to runn up hill with a 30lb weight on my shoulder that is trying so so hard to keep me down.  It is very hard when you get like this.  I don't know if it was in combination with some drinking this weekend and not going to the gym like I wanted to on Saturday and not going yesterday becuase I went to dinner with a friend from school but I over ate sunday, all day.  WIth pudding, 1/2 container of cookies, ice-cream, mac and cheese... Then I threw it up.  and then I felt horrible all night.

Yesterday I Finished the other 1/2 of cookies and went to dinner with sara.  It was awesome seeing her and hearing how schools going and that I really am doing better.  I'm still 100% better than when I was in Erie.  WHich when I left in August I left a dark secret life that no one really knows about and I hope never do.

I am still trying to figure out why I did what I did on sunday, when it started great.  i got up went to my new church (2nd time) and  it was a great serom on Communicating with God.

I know something had made me get out of bed when I really didn't want to and go to church and I felt so great in there with everyone and the music and the word.  Maybe it's a safety zone and I felt I wasn't good enough yet from all my secrets.  I don't want to try and act like i'm some one I'm not, I want to be that great person I see that I truely want to be. 

I think for once in my life I'll admit I think I need a crutch, which is what i've always felt religion was and that you should deal with it on your own.  But I am alone, I'm not married or have a significant other who is near my side. My family is almost 1,000 miles away.  I know there is the phone and I know I'm in their heart but.  I need some where I can go here and find solitude. I may have finally found it.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Last Night's Dream

I had a really interesting dream last night and I think also a nightmare.  At one point I woke up in the middle of the night probably scaring my puppy but I was sweating bullets!!! Ofcourse I had no recalection of what the heck I was dreaming about! Rain was up and licking me, suggesting she may need to go out so that she don't use the living room as her giant bathroom.  So I took her outside, it was a cool night (only 11:30p.m.) it had already began to become foggy, which for some reason the past few days fog has been coming through us from the ocean.  So it was quite eerie outside, enhancing my thoughts of what could I have been dreaming of!

I went back inside Rain wanted to play but I got her to lay back down with me, promising her I wouldn't attack her.  Then I began to dream again, but this time it was good and slightly confusing.... I dreamt about a trainer at my gym, this cute guy I see just about everyday I'm there.  He is out going and funny.  Not really great looking but he has a cute face.  He's not my trainer, yesterday he was doing lungs behind me when I was doing them up and down a lane (ha-ha) was funny because I kept falling over laughing because I could see him in the mirror behind me.  Okay back to my dream, I was at the gym, but in the obsese section ? I think I was too much Biggest Loser.  He was training me but it was definitely not G rated! Also I saw some of my sorority sisters at the gym, but not ones I was really familiar with, these girls got in my Senior year spring semester when I was MIA because I was trying to graduate and finish my crazy huge research project (which is still incomplete data needs dealt with) but I walked up to them and pushed her shoulder like hey didn't notice me! But they didn't seem to care who I was.  I was upset by this.  So then I get going and walking out of gym I'm now in a hospital / dinosaur muesum.


Then I see my friend from Subway (worked at for 6 years) who also ended up at my college,  he was in scrubs and doing his rotation? Though in my head in my dream I was pretty sure he was going for liberal arts.  But it was just strange to see him in my dream we just talked and caught up?! We never actually talked or anything, just friends he's like years younger and haven't worked or seen him in years. 

Then I walked out of the gym/hospital/muesum and got lost going to my car, which is nothing new I do that everyday.

The only thing I can understand is the sorority issue, I feel bad for not being around my last year really after so much that happened.  I do love my sisters and their support but I think I fear the new girls.  Not knowing how they will be in my chapter and what the outcome of the chapter will be.  Also I am nervous I think to go home in Feburary to attend our White Rose Formal.  As for the rest, this just makes me wonder what the heck is going on in my subconcince?!  What random dreams mean at all!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Unproductive Employee

I never really have a theme for a blog yet, just going off from my previous day.


So I feel weird when I do not have any assignments really to do, or I do but they are done with my Boss at a specific time. Also if I come in early or stay late to makeup hours for a time I want to take a day off (no vacation hours) or leave early, I actually really don't have anything to do. Hence me blogging at work or always looking at scientific journals online. My boss tells me its okay if I am reading articles or my Molecular Cloning books because he knows that he doesn't give me enough work to do to keep me occupied all day long.

Though the other women in my lab are busy all the time and when I am doing this I feel awkward and ashamed. There are days I help them and take a load off of their shoulders because there is no work for me and I do maintain the lab by cleaning up and stocking all our chemicals and such that are used frequently. But still, I don't know if many people are in my situation, I am not given a lot of work because I only have a B.S. and everyone else whom is also 30+ and has their masters degree. Though really I am so so so fortunate to actually even have this job for just graduating this past may, so I believe that is why I really don't want to ruin it by not working, yet my boss doesn't care, per say.

For example today, I came in at 7 a.m. (hour early) so that I can leave at 3 p.m. (as long as I eat lunch quick and don't take an hour), but all I have to do is fertilized plants (1/2 tops) and measure plants (45mins tops), then after lunch @ 1:30 do a routine experiment with my boss (1 hr tops). I feel that if I do my morning work all at once I am lazy, if I do it off an on same.

Its a great job! Trust me, you wear jeans and a top no real dress code they said its business causal but they let the scientist wear whatever since no one sees us ha-ha, but the front office people are all business all the time.

So living in the south is obviously quite different than living on the US and Canadian border which is like an ice pole. This morning I took my puppy outside in just jeans and a t and felt so great! The leaves here are finally changing color, only because it hasn't rained everyday here. So they are just dying. They really don't change like PA, no bright colors from the cold stress (nerd) they get like orange, a little red, then brown and on the ground. But there are so many evergreens here that when your driving down the high way everything for the most part is still green, and its like small holes of trees are changing color.

I am surprised how excited I am to go home next week, I really didn't think I would. I think maybe its just familiar up there and it's what I expect. I keep thinking it's going to just get super cold here, but then I remember where I am! lol

So I went to the gym last night (yay), I really wanted to try a cycling class. My brother (brojangles) told me that him and his wife go all the time to them. I was definitely nervous! I mean going into a class that (1) you've never done before, (2) you don't know anyone in there, (3) it's in the dark lol I think its for the energy, not quite sure. Every time I look in the class looks awesome. So I got to the gym early, little after 5p.m. the class didn't start until 6:15 ha! So I worked on the elliptical for 30mins doing intervals, then the treadmill for 20ish minutes with an incline to keep the heart rate up... So then finally 50 some minutes later I was def ready for the class!!! I walk in, everyone knows what their doing and adjusting the bikes for them. I just stare at it, pretending I know what I'm doing. I swear sometimes I'm more like a guy and don't ask for direction and just go with it! I was surprised at the amount of guys in the class!!! It seems like that with all of the classes at my gym men participate, I have never seen that back home! The class was def a work out of the legs, also kinda stressed my knees out. But we did "hills," speed, and like aerobics, it was a 30/60/90 mins class so you could stay for however many minutes you wanted, which by the way 60 was plenty!!!!

Today my trainer at 5p.m. which is also why I'm here at work so early!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Day 1 Meal Plan = Suck

So well today was my first day of my planned meals! Ha! okay so I ate 6-7 times today and was still hungry!!! Also who knew blackbeans take like entire day to make! The ones that are already cooked have a crazy high sodium which I can't consume with this mean plan. I have decided since I'm allowed to have dessert, darn it i'll def be eating it! So I bought skinny cow chocolate ice cream bars and they are yummy yummyy (only 100cals) actually lower than most of the weight watcher ones.

my session with the trainer went well, we went over my "homework" plan which I do when I am not with her. It's pretty intense, we had to up grade it to be more challenging because I'm not too out of shape. I was shaking by the end :) meet again this thursday. So it has been one day for food(I've already made my lunch for tomorrow)

Well I have been doing well I think, i have gone everyday since last wednesday minus Sunday which has always been my one day off. So Day 6 at gym complete :)

Baby gate means nothing! She flew over it. lol Put Diaper on her, came home and she ate it! lol
peed on my floor about 5 mins ago, biting me, and now racing around the apt.

Still making beans (1 1/2 hours left) lol

I know i'm only 122lbs but I still love watching the Biggest loser!


So yesterday I went to the gym to talk to my trainer about what we'll be doing and about nutrition. I'm doing all of this just to learn all the better ways to take care of myself (though I'm doing fairly well as long as I stay on track) and to understand what certain excercises do for me.

I'll be doing full body workouts using pretty much cardio and resistence (no sit-ups). When I did the workout last week I was completely sore the next day from using muscles I haven't used in a long time, Its not that i'm over weight or never done a workout in my life. I am just out of shape, since I have not comitted 6days a week to the gym like I did for years. I have been very excited every time I head to the gym.

Every 2-3 weeks or so my diet plan changes, right now I am working with a "cleaning up" meal plan. This is were I'm surprised it really wont change, just more structured.

7:00 1 egg (or 3 egg whites) + 1/2 cup oats not sweetend
9:00 2 rice cakes with 1-2 tbs peanut butter or fruit
11:30 3-5oz fish (since i don't eat land animals i guess) + 1/2 brown rice + 1/2 broccoli + 16 no sodium almonds (which actually i've always hated their texture
2:00 2 rice cakes with 1-2 tbs peanute butter or fruit (today fruit)
5:00 3-5 oz fish, +1/2 black beans + small salad with 1-2 tbs vinegerrate
9:00 power bar
***2 cheat meals a week
***1/2 to 1 gallon water a day = 64-128oz water

only rice cakes i've ever enjoyed were the cheddarones which aren't really that great for you. but I'll give this a whorl since I don't eat "meat" but i do eat fish and tofu. I love carbs I guess since I'm Italian I love love love love pasta. Yet there are no carbs like that in my meal plan :(

I also have no clue how Thanksgiving will go since I am traveling home and will not have access to a gym, though I'll still probably attempt to go runninging the cold. Though the vacation will include copeous amounts of food and alcohol, I mean come on it's Erie, PA lol. That's all that they do there.

Today I meet again with her to go through my workout then tell me my homework until we meet next week. I'm actually worried that there will not be running like I enjoy, I love a good 4-5 mile run it makes me feel great and the runners "high" is just awesome once you reach it :) I do still want to run in races here.....when? We will see I guess.... Untill next time (probably later today since this counts for yesterday missing a blog)

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Rules of Dating

So I have been in the dating scene now for a year and 9 months, well I'll say it really has not been going very well. I end up being very picky and stop talking to people for small things that really either annoy me or I just don't want to deal with. Some maybe understandable others may not be. I usually don't go past 30days with someone these days, I have decided that you can't begin a relationship until after 30 days. Its like the free 30day trail that all the TV ads have, you need to test it out and see if you want to keep it around for a while. In my 30 day trail I try to get to know the person, I still usually end up hurt or very disappointed becuase I really do want to find someone.

Its things like not calling and only texting, or calling too often. Smoker, annoying, can't have a conversation with, making me pay,

Okay this one I don't quite get, idk just annoyed about this one. This guy we've been dating/talking for about a month now but really not because we hangout 1 a weekish sometimes a little more because he has two jobs. I was really into him but not so much now just losing interest (like always) I really get bored QUICK. So I asked him if he would want to go see a movie (the 4th kind) just to try and hangout. He said yeah sure, so last night go to the movie and he's just standing there. I'm like, "am I paying? or you and/or am I paying for just my self or the both of us?" he said "I don't get paid until tomorrow and you asked ME to go to the movie" WAIT WHAT?!

Does that really mean for me to pay for the movie??? Considering we've only been to 1 movie and 1 dinner and when we went to the fair (took his roommate whom he paid for ) I paid for myself.

Did I lose touch with dating? Are there new rules that I don't know about? I have never paid for a
date, I am such a old school girl, not like I want to be pampered but I want to be courted!!!

Or is it that I really just suck at meeting good guys? HELP

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sunday Sunday SUNNDAAYYY!!!

So yes today is Sunday if you couldn't get that by the Title :) So Lets see....


So far I have Gone Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Today Will be my one day off a week, I have felt great everyday that I have gone. I keep debating to have a trainer I think this week I'll decide financially. The only thing keeping me from not doing it for a few months is that I want a flat screen TV and a WII He-He. But I want to be in the best shape of my life also and I know with a trainer I can learn all the ways to get there! I'll keep going now 6 days a week easy/ hard days every other day. I also want to start taking classes!


Have been hanging out with my friend Lauren a lot lately, it is fun to make new friends, I really haven't since I was in school and in my sorority where every semester I got new sisters as well as friends. When I left Erie I felt like I was alone, I spent my senior y near secluded and I did it to myself, I just wanted to be out of the city and state so bad, I feel that I may have burned some bridges and I now pray that I really haven't that maybe I've just grown apart from people. I know I put myself as an outsider in my sorority after they helped me so much but senior year was a strange time for me, not knowing what I was going to be doing after May 15th. But now that I have a job and am settled in a new place, I believe still I am the happiest I've ever been. I feel bad that is it soo soo far away from my loved ones.

Is this what it really took? For me to go off on my own adventure to be happy? I feel bad sometimes that I had to go so far away from home to really be happy. I am the only one in my family who has ever done this and living on my own. I really do enjoy every minute of every day now. I don't think I really ever have enjoyed life so much or to this extent.

Now I would like to find a nice person to share my life with... (Ha-ha) I think I'll still wait for that Mr, Right / Prince charming to come into my life and still like it has been for two years now I'll pick and choose until I find him...


So I love my School football team PENNN STATEE which won 31- 20 vs Indiana yesterday.

Then also Steelers! Which I love the HUGH fan base in Charleston! But I have also found that there are so many Northerners' down in Low Country and the southerners do not like it very much (Oh WEll) Life is better in the south. But Today the game is on our local channel!! Where as at home it isn't even on TV because the Buffalo Bills are away, it is so weird that home is so close to Pittsburgh but I get more games on TV. The game is at 1p.m. so I'll either watch it here with Rain or go to Bww in Summerville with my friends.


So I am in the bible belt of America, since I have moved here I did begin reading my bible that a Boyfriend years ago bought me. But since I began working really haven't gone to church or read it. Now that I quit my weekend job (bww) I think today I'll go to church @ 11. It is an Interdenominational Church so it welcomes people of different faiths (I'm catholic) but I really want to try new churches because I do not connect with the catholic church, it doesn't "hit" me.

I want to go to a place where I feel welcome and that the words are understandable and that we are not just going to hell unless we repent everything. A church to fit my life style. I have been to one that my brother and his family used to go to in NC and it was really what I'm looking for in a church, a young crowd, band, down to earth type of place.

I do want to try and understand God and such matters because I know under that situation I am utterly confused, I began reading Genesis and the first testament = WOW That man was pissed and I want to call him man because he walked with man, I don't believe a god can walk among men unless he is a man. But maybe that will be a post all among its own.


So she is a wild child! Think possesd by the Devil or some demon!!! But then other times the cutest little thing in the entire world (I still don't want children thanks to her) But I went to the bathroom this morning for less than a minute and in that time she pooped in my living room! WHAT????? lol no luck with this one. It has been over a month trying to house train her.

Alright have a good day there blogging world! (I don't end papers or anything completely, I seem to like abrupt endings, kind of like a cliff-hanger)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Talking About Work

So one thing that has been a bit difficult, or should I say lonely? Not being able to talk to someone after work about my day and have them care. I have gotten responses like why tell me I'm not going to understand what you do, it is hard when you do something that no one your around can begin to fathom what you may be doing. When I was get no results on my research I was kinda down and feeling like I was not good enough for my job and that I did not deserve, though my boss is wise man and says, "failure is the only way to success" and it is a good thought to always keep in mind. So I failed a few times and messed up some experiments, using chemicals that did not contain the proper "ingredients" then I went back re-did my experiments slowly checking everything and ensuring they were done properly. Then I began getting 100% efficient in my Cloning project!!!! Last Friday I was so excited that I had done so well all week, at my second job (buffalo wild wings, which I quit this past Tuesday) I was just like jumping off the wall!! But no one could understand. But I still celebrated that weekend for it!

So that part of my job makes me really miss school and being surrounded by friends whom I could sit down and completely tell them my success and/or failures of my job.

So I have been in Charleston now for 2 1/2 ish months and I was told its pathetic that I have no ventured out and done everything "Southern" or sampled all the foods here. So last night I went out to eat with a friend? (confusing were "talking/dating" but see each other once a week) ANYWAYS, went to seafood restaurant Noisy Oyster. On the Menu had Gator, wait what?! Yeah Gator as an appetizer (told taste like chicken) so no did not want to try that yet. BUt I got crab cakes (good) with Carolina red rice (also ended up good), my friend got some sorta of eco gumbo? anyways i tasted it and it was tasty!!!! So I'm told i still need to try oysters and collard greens and grits among several other southern things, if someone makes me eat gator, snake, possum, something that is not meant to be eaten idk.... run!


So last night I had my first time with a trainer, her name was Tiffany. She was intimidating, but a nice girl. We went to an analysis, my bmi (24.8 border line) fat to body weight (30%) which is in the unhealthy/ need major help section! My goal is to be back at my old weight (105-110) considering I am only 4 11, which means to lose a lot of fat!!! I cannot believe I have a lay of fat on me!!! I used to go to the gym 6 days a week after I stopped Cross Country and Track!!! Everyone told me I was crazy dedicated to the gym, then I moved in to my Dad's house and BAM! I stopped going! It has been a year and a half since I was an avid workout-aholic. So now I am pumped!! The routine was using resistance and keep heart rate up = burn more
Routine she had me do:
10 mins on elliptical starting at level 10, every minute increase by 1 level and switch direction! OMG the longest/ hardest 10 mins of my life!
THEN used a rubber band on the ankles and side step across the gym, then back the other way (thighs and gluts)
balance ball on wall for squats
balance ball push ups (and others things i don't know how to name or describe)
Mini trampoline with weight ball going back and forth to each arm
half ball thing (which i could not balance on for the life of me) lifting weights
more resistance on balancing ball working arms.
3 other things that randomly can't think to names
one where you have your back against a board and pull your legs up.
then bike 4-5 mins cool down.

I am sore today and that was only a 30min work out!!!

I can't weight to begin the rest and do my nutrition, which I don't think will be too hard just need to kick me off the sweets that I got stuck to liking since I moved home that I'm still buying!!!
Since my diet now consists of fish, tofu, whole wheat grains,(breads, pasta, rice, name it) yogurt, fruits/vegs, no carbonated drinks except beer on weekends and fast food when friends make me at 1am

Well I have not done a thing at work today so maybe lunch then get something done!!! More updates to come Finally.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veterans Day

Alright so this really has nothing to do with Veterans day, though, thank you all veterans of our past and our current service men and women!!!!

It has been about two- three months I think since I have moved to charleston, and it has turned into the great time as well as decision I have ever made in my life! Since I have moved here the weather has been great still November and has been in the 80s crazy!!! While home is cold. I have a great job with a forestry technology research facility, where I actually get to use my degree. Still can't get over it.

Since I moved into my parents house feb. my junior year of college I lost all motivation to work out like I used to (almost 6 days a weeks for 4 years) becuase of cross country/ track and then just always at the gym. Then I stopped all together and for me gained a significant amount of weight, I had a (jerk**f) bar manager who told me I have gained noticeable amount of weight (WHAT?!) not right in his position to ever say anything like that to. I used to never eat junk food or sweets and now I can't stop from buying them!

I am now determined to get into better shape than when I was a college athlete. Today I joined a gym and it is like the one i was in back home but the people are more outgoing and open. I think I will really enjoy this, so far ran 3.2 miles walked on incline 10mins. tomorrow i meet with my trainer who will work my butt off and I can't wait!

I also adopted a puppy, her name is Rain the Pain. She is a mix between hound, lab, and pit? we think. I got her from a woman at work who lives in farmland, her neighbors had several unwanted puppies and were going to give them to a kill bound :( nooo. I wanted a dog but a small one because I have a small apartment. I think she'll be big and thick. Right now she attacks everything! and is teething and a pain to house train...... have had her for lil' over a month.... some days are good others I wnant to cry. She eats everything, claws me, bites me. Nothing seems to help at all. I cannot wait until she has all of her shots, it'll be right off to puppy school for the both of us!!!!

Welll all for now the CMAs are on and getting tired!!!