Thursday, November 27, 2008


Recently I went on a trip to the BIG WINDY CITY~ Chicago.  I needed a vacation from the world.  Took a train out, slept the entire time.  Got there, huge buildings everywhere.  Walked the city all day...So different.  I felt like I was in the middle of a place where everyone only thought about their blackberries, black jackets, and girls with there highheel boots and the jeans tucked in them.  Sitting on the train I saw a sea of black coats and blackberries flooding the train. HA!  

I was where Obama works, Huge dark building, all of windows.  The secret service.  

Drinking at martini bars, have a new name {pennsylvania}, learned that I do not like the big city.

Now home, back to my reality. So far it really hasn't been that great, bad news after bad news.  

Still living I suposse, Now looking for full-time J.O.B's need to finish my semester with flying colors and do a lot on my own.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Perfect girls and Starving daughters

SO, I am overwhelmed with school and multiple jobs. I juggle 18 credits with over 18 hour work weeks, along with sorority, other organizations, family, and once in a while social outing. I am an overachiever, who sometimes feels unappreciated. I take on a lot, with little in return (at the time. I have 2 full blown research projects, one with a professor and one just me. I am a graduating senior trying to get into graduate school. I carry burdens of the past and wishes of the future. There are only a few moments in a day I am allowed to just think about other things than said previously. I am a robot who wakes up and is preset for the day. I come home late at night exhausted from my day. With all of this it would seem difficult to have anything to wonder about and think about other than previously mentioned activities. Yet I still have time to criticize my work ethic, my emotions, and my body, I feel as if I do not work hard enough, I am too emotional, and out of shape. Even if I am constantly studying, working through emotions and eating healthy/ working out. I always be the smart/ intelligent girl with her downsides.

I am going to a speaker tomorrow for my Sorority (we are sponsoring), Courtney Martin. I just watched her youtube video (below) and now my reaction is to be in awe. She writes about what we as the intelligent overachiever women think about deep inside.

I am excited to see her tomorrow night. Now I am in my research lab waiting for LB Broth to cool and put in some lovely DNA. Today before work (at the bar) going to pick up her book.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


Every day we walk through our day running our errands, heading to work, going to school, nightlife.... We walk through and don't notice the small little blessings. Driving today, listening to music that put me in a good mood...A butterfly flew right in front of me. Lately i haven't noticed any butterflies around, and today one blessed me with its beauty...

Even living in the city there is so much beauty that we do not appreciate enough... A few days ago I had a few hours before work. Went down to the public dock that used to not be so touristy, So many tourist visit it. But it's still nice and relaxing to go down sit on the edge of the dock (while the silly tourists are taking pictures), The water was choppy, blue, some sale boats in the distance. It was relaxing.

As I've learned today about psychology and flow. "
Flow is the mental state of operation in which the person is fully immersed in what he or she is doing by a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity." Wiki

Experiencing Flow
  1. Clear goals (expectations and rules are discernible and goals are attainable and align appropriately with one's skill set and abilities).
  2. Concentrating and focusing, a high degree of concentration on a limited field of attention (a person engaged in the activity will have the opportunity to focus and to delve deeply into it).
  3. A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.
  4. Distorted sense of time, one's subjective experience of time is altered.
  5. Direct and immediate feedback (successes and failures in the course of the activity are apparent, so that behavior can be adjusted as needed).
  6. Balance between ability level and challenge (the activity is neither too easy nor too difficult).
  7. A sense of personal control over the situation or activity.
  8. The activity is intrinsically rewarding, so there is an effortlessness of action.
  9. People become absorbed in their activity, and focus of awareness is narrowed down to the activity itself, action awareness merging
I believe in our crazy lives of working long hours, spending days in the library, running from job to job, running around the city running errands...We need to spend some time finding our own flow....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I was reading a book that I could not remember if I had read before, I'd obviously seen the movie...So I went to the library one day and picked it up. Memoirs of a Geisha. Took me a week to finish, as I just did earlier this evening. I can say I 1) do remember reading it 2) was teary at a few points. The struggle with life.

The struggle of the loss of family, becoming a slave/maid if you will, no control of day to day roles....The struggle of surviving in a time of turmoil....To find happiness that was said to be unattainable.

I was finally actually reading into the words of the author of the womans life. As I was actively reading, I could relate in some way. Just as every girl can struggling to come out in a world that is controlled by men and the thoughts of what a "proper" woman should do/ act. The loss of family member to a disease. Growing up unknowing of my own destiny, thinking that I have found it. Then it is gone. Or hold on to somethings that just need to be let go of. Wishing to send messages to someone, like throwing flowers into the river hoping that person may see them and pick a petal up out of the water.

With all of the bumps in life. The ups and downs. The tears and joy. Right now I may be in a hole per se. I have felt very low since returning to dreary Eeeerie (as some call it), as well as some bad luck. With people, mutiple cars, and money.

I feel true to this quote lately(slightly edited)..."life has been like a stream that falls over rocky cliffs before it can reach the ocean..."..."whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed in into a wash, just like watery in on paper."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008



This is laguna beach. It was so beautiful, and nice surfer guys :-D
took a picture of the sign here because with my phone i couldn't take a picture of the actual signs, still pretty sweet to be in hollywood. where i did meet a star :-D

Monday, July 21, 2008

My Fantastical Day

So today in my great life went to my physical therapy appointment due to my car accident, pretty much just got a really good neck message....Then on my Journey out to school, in the middle of no where....So walked down to get Tim Hortin's coffee (which is way to hot and need an extra cup covering it), then waiting for the bus... Yes lovely Erie Public Transit System.

There are always such interesting people on the bus....To go out to school which is in the next town over it has to go all the way through the city downtown and then back up through the city to go out again. There was an interesting character whom decided to talk to the bus driver the entire time, rambling... Only Erie's "finest" ride on here it seems like. THEN the bus driver believes that I am someone I'm not and keeps trying to communicate with saying he remembers me. I take the bus like once a year....Asks me if I have children, UGH no!!! i'm sitting there just trying to read my book in peace for this HOUR LONG bus ride to school....

I make it to school and did not have to do much work in my another hour ride home (by the way by car it takes 15 mins) on the way home even more characters

A woman who used to come in to subway and annoy us all and be very needy for no specific reason. WOuld need something every few minutes. Well she struggles to get on because she has an electric basket wheel chair, mind you she has no problems walking. took her 5 minutes to get it on the bus then 4 more to try and tie it up. The driver had to wait, then every minute she got up and put her large a@# in my face while wearing a matching ugly green sweat fix her NOT MOVING chair....

I also believe that most people who ride the bus feel that showering is just an option....People it is not an option it is a MUST everyday not once every few weeks.

End and out for now.....

Sunday, July 20, 2008


It has been too long....Feel like for sometime I have lost my mind...Running through thoughts, events, getting my bearings back....Took a airbag in the face to remember everything I'm working towards.

You work hard for something that you want and it feels very awesome when you earn the grades or reward that you struggled hard to obtain. Through all the stress of the books, lack of sleep/fun, wanting it all to be over, almost giving up...The last few feet that seem to drag. Well are rewarding....

Lately working is my main passion I guess you could say. Attempting three jobs (when I have a car) Bartending (LOVE IT) Sandwhich making (slavery) and reseach.

when to California for an AMAZING two weeks (pictures still to come), First day right off of my lovely 1st class flight was taken to the ocean :) gorgeous!!! Spent everyday with my cousin who also was getting married. Everyday was beautiful, 90 degrees, no humidity.... Went to Laguna Beach, Newport Beach. Hollywood :-D even Saw a TV star. I did not want to come home back to the United States (haha) It was like I left the country, only to come back to a dark home.... was a cloudy dark day....went down to the dock sat there for a while thinking about everything that occured out in "never never land" my mind stayed back there with my heart it seems....Home....everything knocked me down...lost a few things, somme for the good some for the bad... Its always how you come out of things...lately i've been taken it pretty calm, unlike the waters i've been swimming in lately.

So where did this summer go? Lost it with my mind wandering, now was back on track.. Studying to take my GREs working in my lab and at the bar and other places. Found a great car...soooo for my topic I've sent you through SO CAl and now....

Went with my glass, car accident, down for a second and everything is up in smoke...more damage to me then to the car...damn airbags...2nd degree burns these things are made to save you... when I got more hurt from them then without....Just recently had a conversation about how they are dangerous then few weeks later I get to defend it...

SO CAL, oh how much I miss you!!!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Salvation.....Summer Time

Finally have finished up my last final, this past finals week seemed to be the hardest one yet. Lost motivation to keep studying and keep working on my papers. Needed one last push to the end. Now I've made it, grades in, no more classes, no more deadlines.

Summer time, first day of it, and yes I slept in until about 3pm, I deserved it! Been through a lot this year: random love, heartbreak, losing friends, losing respect and having to regain it, struggling with concentration, growing up some more.

Now I work, study for my GREs, start more scuba, and soon in June begin my research again.

One the note of Mother's day that has just recently past: well this is the first year my father did not get a card, instead I made a thank you card for his wife, who has recently helped me a lot. Mother's day is not for the woman you gave birth to you, in no way does she just automatically deserve a card and dinner and candy. Mother's day is for the woman in your life that has supported you and been there for you, not left you when you needed you.

Recently someone has entered back into my life, he has been around for 5 years now, helped me when I have needed help. So now I return the favor. I feel bad, one person has turned down one long dark path, and now its worse. I feel bad, but he needs to make the right choices on his own. Now that he may have made the biggest mistake and having relationship troubles while battling our long ago past. First true love. Let go a long time ago, both regret, yet both have gone down different paths. I have grown up, not as immature as once was, resentment has past, while he is still the same. Doesn't know what to do with his life, still the same person, may be twenty some, but still 18 inside and out.
How to help someone so lost. Wish I could do more. One lost and confused soul.

One lost and confused soul, walking around among the mist,
walking in no particular direction,
directions does not matter, nothing does,
one lost soul with words racing through their head,
jumbled words, no order, no sense,
one lost and confused soul, walking in the dark not walking toward a light that may exist,
no motivation to walk in the direction of the light,
one lost and confused soul, the dim light is there, though it is not a lite task to reach up the dark mountain to reach it,
one lost and confused soul just sitting on a rock staring at it.......

The power to reach salvation takes a lot of strength and endurance, but it can be reached. Everyday live your day with the strength that you have inside of you, only have to find it inside of your self.

Sunday, April 27, 2008


Lately I've fallen behind on school (senior-itis?) ugh. Lost my jumpdrive again after I found it. So for the next 4 days its 6-12 days at school redoing all of my experiments! Yay for me and then cramming for my finals! Oh my I need this two weeks to go quick and need summer!

I today am officially a NAUI Scuba diver, I made my final dives today. In a few weeks I begin my Advanced course in diving :) Night dives, wreck dives.

Why is a struggle so difficult, when others do it so effortlessly and with little ease. I feel that I've fought very hard and I am tired. Oh So tired, I can sleep all day. The end of one struggle is so close.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Its Final Spring!!

Well here in our lovely city it is finally warming up. And as I was studying for my organic chemistry exam I came across one of my favorite scents: It is Jasmine :) or Benzyl Acetate

So when you smell sweet jasmine remember this lovely structure :)

Have good days!!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Survival of Undergraduate and Lessons in Snow Scuba Diving!

It has been awhile there are a few updates I needed to add and things I have been meaning to place in here. But life hit hard, kinda like I fell face first on cement.

Two weeks left....

project due, presentation, presentation, presentation, meeting, teaching assistant, meeting, meeting, exam....losing my second jump drive filled with all my experimental data I've been collecting for a month!!!!!

I hope someone is nice and saved it for me and I'm not going to fail out my 3rd year.

I've been taking my data on my dragonfly larvae for about a month and got amazing results. Here is my nerd moment. I can see through the data points, cyclic respiration (they open "pores" and fill with oxygen then kinda like hold their breathe) looks like a flat line.

These are my tanks for my little guys!!! This is on of my several dragonfly larvae

They were ugly at first but I like them when they stay alive and don't mature into real dragonfly's. I feel bad because I always find them when they have drown :(

*thinking in my head i really need my jump drive to work on this data!!!!!!!*

I haven't been too stressed lately but um well right now its crunch time and i lost my life line (again) ha-ha.

This one is my pride and joy, so far 2 1/2 - 3 years of work into this and I hope we can get it published soon. Me presenting my work at a conference, from this past weekend. Its cellular biology, not my major, nor my favorite thing. It was my first stepping stone in to research and I love having my diverse background. With cell culture to digging in a pond for dragonfly larvae.

One note on this research project that I get funding for every year, I have yet to take a cellular/molecular class. Everything I've learned was in my lab from my amazing PI.

This is my life, which is why I need my jump drive. I really hope I can get it back tomorrow when I head back in.

I am voting in my first primaries tomorrow, excited. To finally be "American," and have my "say" in our leader. Though if you look any intro level political science course you would know we as citizens really don't play a big part in the Presidential election, just to let you know.

Does not matter, I am still excited to participate in History.


Two Sundays ago I went for my 2nd scuba dive in our lovely Great Lake. It may say it is spring but... it still snows here until May-ish.... The recorded air temperature in my log book was 3.3 degrees Celsius and water temperature was 8.3 degrees Celsius. It was nice

Picture this*~*~*~*~*~*~
  • walking down the wooding dock, shifting side to side. Weight on your back enough to pull you into the Earth's core...walking down, turn, looking down....down....down...down...The water is dark. Looking up, the sun is out and it is snowing, gently down on your mask. Hold your thoughts, one step out and all of the world we know is gone....Falling and falling, will it stop? looking up, shimmering light.... Rising up as the suit fills with water, a warm feeling coming across your entire body... SURFACE. Its snowing... Though under water it is a different world, one that we know not much of. How much this amazes me to know nothing! To be in another world that does not know deadlines, requirements, JUMPDRIVES (lil' aggression), hate, discouragement,injustices. It was a warm feelings...Then walking out of the water the cold hard reality set back in with the freezing wind on my face and the weight on my back.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Late Night Reading

Psalm 5:
Give ear to my words, O LORD,

consider my sighing.

2 Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.

3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

4 You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil;
with you the wicked cannot dwell.

5 The arrogant cannot stand in your presence;
you hate all who do wrong.

6 You destroy those who tell lies;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
the LORD abhors.

7 But I, by your great mercy,
will come into your house;
in reverence will I bow down
toward your holy temple.

8 Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness
because of my enemies—
make straight your way before me.

9 Not a word from their mouth can be trusted;
their heart is filled with destruction.
Their throat is an open grave;
with their tongue they speak deceit.

10 Declare them guilty, O God!
Let their intrigues be their downfall.
Banish them for their many sins,
for they have rebelled against you.

11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

12 For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.

Lately I have been reading and have come across a view passages that have hit me hard. Such as this one. Last night I read it a few times over very slowly (had to really take it in). Parts 9 and 10 really, right now hit hard and direct to my life. It expresses exactly how I feel about some people and finding this I do not wish bad things for these people but....sins are sins. With this and my believe in Karma, one day I hope they will get theirs back. I know I can only do what is right and follow a life filled with love and not fill my mouth with deciet.

Stay true, pray(what ever your practice is), do what you feel is the right thing and I believe from this passage that the good will over come the enemy/evil in time.

Read this a few times over and ask your self. Has this hit you yet? Have you felt this way before?

Monday, April 7, 2008

42 Degrees And Customer Service

Yesterday I took my first Dive into the GREAT LAKE. Suicide jump off of the local dock, with tourists watching/ video taping. The first dive is surreal, looking up under the water seeing white but not yet above the water. Once the water fills up making you feel like you are about to go in to hypothermia you go down. Down, down, down. Some where there is a bottom. Finally reach it, and see the world that you never knew about.

There were fish everywhere and mussels, along with old glass bottles. Surprisingly the Lake was fairly clear (10-15ft). Though like being in a new world, got disoriented and didn't realize that I had made a circle (good so that I did not drift into the current) and ending up back to where I began.

Getting out I could not stop shaking for an hour, I guess that happens when your 110lbs and the water is 42 degrees.

For some reason I had one of the largest leg knives (in case some great shark came by or underwater battle?)

It may be hard to see but it goes up to my knee (stay away from me if you see me under you) :)

Hoping the water warms up before my next one (next Sunday), although I already can't wait.

Another Comment On Being A Customer:

  • Do not complain if some small quantity of vegetable is removed from your sandwich because it was not the correct amount
  • Do not yell at the employee for doing their job

How can you yell at someone for not overloading your sandwich with a topping when there are so many countries and millions of people who do not get to eat what you do. And to be so greedy and pissy over food because you live in America where you have the "right" to be fat.

Think about the people who don't get to eat what you are about to put into your mouth, don't complain if you didn't get the large quantity because you can. Be happy being able to eat clean healthy food, but do not be over indulgent.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Standing in Front of the Row Of Suits

Yesterday I stood up in front of the row of women in suits to defend my "integrity," like going in to an interrogation room and have the spot light on you. Everyone watching your every move, can hear your heart race, the sweat drip down your face. An intimidating process, to say the least. Will all of that Still being able to come out of the dark room with your head high and deep breathes of the cool outside air felt amazing.

Always have in you:
  • Justice
  • Wisdom
  • Faith
  • Truth
  • Honor

With these values you can always walk out look straight into the new future and not down at the ground with regret.

These are the values that in the past month I have very much so embedded them into my soul.

I hope everyone can think about these 5 words and find great and deep meaning in them for your self....

~just another day with my head held high~

Friday, March 28, 2008

Rules on Being a Customer...

There should be rules on being a customer, upon entering into a restaurant.
  • Don't scream at the person making your food
  • Don't talk about the person who made your food to the employee standing next to the origina
  • Don't be rude and bitter and nasty
Or else you may have your food thrown at you (wanted to in my mind).

Ever see Waiting? We all think of it once in a while to those nasty customers.

Today was long and exhausting while already being sick.

tomorrow will be interesting....meeting with the big board...see how we can handle a lovely meeting.

Finish moving out of my apartment, and take an exam online.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

My Life for the next 24 hours

woke up sick and late for class:
For the next 24hrs this is my only thing I can concentrate on:

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Just Another day....

Today has been long, filled with exams and times I should be studying. 7:30 a.m. -> 10:00 p.m.

The usual occurs, the head nod of falling asleep to a lecture, every so often.

Then my interesting class of Terrorism, one that must be taken with an open mind. There are well over 10 definitions of terrorism. When you broaden the term, and have it be unjust violent acts against civilians/ government, one just has to sit back and take all the examples in. There are so many occasions that the average person may not think is a terrorist act, but in reality is indeed.

Education makes one open their eyes, this is the way to growing and learning about the big world out there. Whether we are directly connected or will never be in close contact with the situation. I feel sorry for the average person who keeps a closed mind on such issues, it is sad.

For me being a person of life (ecology major), at points the topics, pictures, video clips become sickening. I read an article from an Anthropologist whom was Native American, she spoke for the American Indian side of two brutal occasions. I read the article for a paper I had to write, while sitting in starbucks, drinking my latte, in my "safe" environment. I became sick of what I read and imagined what these people had to deal with becuase it was us (United States), murdering them.

For now I will go for I have one last, but long class to go. I will post the link to the article.

~Breathe & Relax....

Haynes, Jeanette. “Terrorism in Native America: Interrogating the Past, Examining the Present, and Constructing a Libratory Future”. Anthropology & Education Quarterly 33(3):317-330. 2002.