Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Communication to Motivation

For the past year I have struggle (still) with motivation.  Motivation for school, work, my workouts, health, motivation to do normal household chores.  As I lacked motivation to live, actually I don't know if I'd go that far. But maybe I should. 

From August - Feb 2008- 09 I def struggled with drinking, the worse kind, alone by myself at my parents house.  I didn't go out and drink with friends, I stayed away from everyone I had previously worked so hard to keep by my side.  I kept it from my friends, family, and even my doctors.  By Jan I had taken my self off of my depression and anxiety meds, but I guess now I was still just self medicating. 

I did very well from the time I was moved home to that fall (feb 08 - aug 08) I kept my focus on school, my health and over all well being.  I think it may have been because all eyes were on me to get myself together and move on with my life after the tragic event and how i controlled myself.

But now that I'm better there are still a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my motivation.  Right now I'm trying to runn up hill with a 30lb weight on my shoulder that is trying so so hard to keep me down.  It is very hard when you get like this.  I don't know if it was in combination with some drinking this weekend and not going to the gym like I wanted to on Saturday and not going yesterday becuase I went to dinner with a friend from school but I over ate sunday, all day.  WIth pudding, 1/2 container of cookies, ice-cream, mac and cheese... Then I threw it up.  and then I felt horrible all night.

Yesterday I Finished the other 1/2 of cookies and went to dinner with sara.  It was awesome seeing her and hearing how schools going and that I really am doing better.  I'm still 100% better than when I was in Erie.  WHich when I left in August I left a dark secret life that no one really knows about and I hope never do.

I am still trying to figure out why I did what I did on sunday, when it started great.  i got up went to my new church (2nd time) and  it was a great serom on Communicating with God.

I know something had made me get out of bed when I really didn't want to and go to church and I felt so great in there with everyone and the music and the word.  Maybe it's a safety zone and I felt I wasn't good enough yet from all my secrets.  I don't want to try and act like i'm some one I'm not, I want to be that great person I see that I truely want to be. 

I think for once in my life I'll admit I think I need a crutch, which is what i've always felt religion was and that you should deal with it on your own.  But I am alone, I'm not married or have a significant other who is near my side. My family is almost 1,000 miles away.  I know there is the phone and I know I'm in their heart but.  I need some where I can go here and find solitude. I may have finally found it.

No comments: