Financial Crisis

Alright, awesome, well......

Did not realize that yes all of my student loans are due ohhhh by next week! I do not make enough money, nor am I a perament employee!!! Yeah, yer, forbearance please please get approved! I guess I was suppossed to do this two months ago, did not realize that it was due so soon!!!! I thought only one was due.

Its $88.00 + 170.00 + 130.00 = can't afford lol I guess not too bad, but i'm making buy on all of my bills now!!! Which I realized my Cellphone bill was jacked up! Yeah I Have been over paying for months!!! I didn't realize at some point Vcast (gay) got put on my bill, an extra 15.00 a month WHA?!?!?! I am so jacked right now!!!!

UGh Just frustrated, i hate money!!! making me want to either run to the service/ameri corps for a while and or idk, i really want to be back in schooL!!!! Def need to start studying for my GREs like offically now!!! not like I do anything else now a days.

Though I really need to focus on my research and also should I take the BIO GRE???? Wish someone could help me on that situation!!

So freaking out that I can't afford my loans and do not want bad credit! I have been good at paying most things....

Friends

I have been through some crazy times with some crazy people, I have loved many, hated several, and lost countless.    You think that some people will always be the ones that you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to, or be that shoulder to depend on when you need to cry it all out.  Everything seems to come and go in waves, friends, good ones, close ones, simple ones, drinking ones, movie night ones.

I knew my freshmen year of college due to a situation of an abusive relationship I lost the closenss of two very important people.  I pushed dozens away that year, few came back and I was able to reconcile but many never wanted to speak to me again.  I understand I lied and I pushed, but the mental state is no a normal one when it is involing an abusive relationship.

We all seem to drift apart, different schools, different cities, different parts of the country or world! It can get lonely, it is like when you leave and start a new life you have to start all over with the people you let know initmate parts of your life!

 I know I am going through this process, there are two friends from back home I do not want to lose and I do try to make contact with them, though it seems like a lost cause because I do not get a response or communication from the other end.  It is a hard reality to hit.  Now I am becoming close to a friend here and it is nice, a new friend/relationship (thats how i've considers these things).  THough who knows how long i'll be here or her (married to airforce)

It is easier for couples, people who have a significant other (male or female) becuase then if its right then not only do they have a lover, but someone who is also their bestfriend whom they are so close to on so so many levels.

I feel I have been missing out on quite a bit, since I seperated my self my senior year of college from my friends at school and also not having someone by my side.  Not that I'm saying I need to be dependent on someone but, after 2 years(feb) it would be nice to find someone who'll stick around past the 30 day mark.

Randomly been thinking this....

Home Sweet Home

Alright, so I haven't written in a few days.  I went back to Erie for Thanksgiving.  The 10hr trip up went pretty well, really there was no traffic.  When I first got there I actually felt weird, 3 months away from home for the first time.  It really seemed small.  Roads, traffic, people.  I was surprised that an area of 79 was finally finished after 4 years of road work! Only took me leaving PA (Ha-Ha)

The 4 days I was home really made me see I left a mix of things behind, but for a completely better life (atleast I still think so).  One it was cold (lol) really not a reason to leave.  I love my family, they are my backbone of life, always loving and caring.  Though I definatly saw how fake my dad can be to my family, but guienune to his wife's side.  I don't know why, I think it's because of her because she doesn't like loud or food that has flavor!  They spend more often than not with her family and barely anytime with my side, hence less face time with el padre.  Then when we're home he complains about my family, and I don't see anything wrong with them, they are good open people.

Thanksgiving night I went and spent time at my old bar to visit my old boss, also a dark life.  If  Ididn't leave I would still be drinking everyday just to get through my days.  Also realized I do not consume alcohol like I used to, I don't know how much I had but lets just say the next day I had lost my jacket and my cell phone!!!!

I see how much people drink in erie, and how much of a problem I actually had.  So saturday when I went to dinner with subway ppl I had barely 2 beers!! then at one "club" i could barely finish a budlite lime, I just wasn't feeling it.  Met up w/ an old best friend and they all drank while I just talked.  It was interesting how I felt, like outside, but also didn't care to drink.  I told my friend that next time I come home lets do coffee instead lol WOW CHANGE

In my life it seems change has always been for the best.

Busy week this week for me, Trainer tonight, vet for rain tomorrow, lunch with the women in my lab, someone visiting this weekend(idk what to think about this last one).

Rain needs to get in to puppy school or i'm going to lose all of my carpeting in my apt!!!!

***I have no clue what happened to spell check so if some words are badddd I am sorry****

Communication to Motivation

For the past year I have struggle (still) with motivation.  Motivation for school, work, my workouts, health, motivation to do normal household chores.  As I lacked motivation to live, actually I don't know if I'd go that far. But maybe I should. 

From August - Feb 2008- 09 I def struggled with drinking, the worse kind, alone by myself at my parents house.  I didn't go out and drink with friends, I stayed away from everyone I had previously worked so hard to keep by my side.  I kept it from my friends, family, and even my doctors.  By Jan I had taken my self off of my depression and anxiety meds, but I guess now I was still just self medicating. 

I did very well from the time I was moved home to that fall (feb 08 - aug 08) I kept my focus on school, my health and over all well being.  I think it may have been because all eyes were on me to get myself together and move on with my life after the tragic event and how i controlled myself.

But now that I'm better there are still a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my motivation.  Right now I'm trying to runn up hill with a 30lb weight on my shoulder that is trying so so hard to keep me down.  It is very hard when you get like this.  I don't know if it was in combination with some drinking this weekend and not going to the gym like I wanted to on Saturday and not going yesterday becuase I went to dinner with a friend from school but I over ate sunday, all day.  WIth pudding, 1/2 container of cookies, ice-cream, mac and cheese... Then I threw it up.  and then I felt horrible all night.

Yesterday I Finished the other 1/2 of cookies and went to dinner with sara.  It was awesome seeing her and hearing how schools going and that I really am doing better.  I'm still 100% better than when I was in Erie.  WHich when I left in August I left a dark secret life that no one really knows about and I hope never do.

I am still trying to figure out why I did what I did on sunday, when it started great.  i got up went to my new church (2nd time) and  it was a great serom on Communicating with God.

I know something had made me get out of bed when I really didn't want to and go to church and I felt so great in there with everyone and the music and the word.  Maybe it's a safety zone and I felt I wasn't good enough yet from all my secrets.  I don't want to try and act like i'm some one I'm not, I want to be that great person I see that I truely want to be. 

I think for once in my life I'll admit I think I need a crutch, which is what i've always felt religion was and that you should deal with it on your own.  But I am alone, I'm not married or have a significant other who is near my side. My family is almost 1,000 miles away.  I know there is the phone and I know I'm in their heart but.  I need some where I can go here and find solitude. I may have finally found it.

Last Night's Dream

I had a really interesting dream last night and I think also a nightmare.  At one point I woke up in the middle of the night probably scaring my puppy but I was sweating bullets!!! Ofcourse I had no recalection of what the heck I was dreaming about! Rain was up and licking me, suggesting she may need to go out so that she don't use the living room as her giant bathroom.  So I took her outside, it was a cool night (only 11:30p.m.) it had already began to become foggy, which for some reason the past few days fog has been coming through us from the ocean.  So it was quite eerie outside, enhancing my thoughts of what could I have been dreaming of!

I went back inside Rain wanted to play but I got her to lay back down with me, promising her I wouldn't attack her.  Then I began to dream again, but this time it was good and slightly confusing.... I dreamt about a trainer at my gym, this cute guy I see just about everyday I'm there.  He is out going and funny.  Not really great looking but he has a cute face.  He's not my trainer, yesterday he was doing lungs behind me when I was doing them up and down a lane (ha-ha) was funny because I kept falling over laughing because I could see him in the mirror behind me.  Okay back to my dream, I was at the gym, but in the obsese section ? I think I was too much Biggest Loser.  He was training me but it was definitely not G rated! Also I saw some of my sorority sisters at the gym, but not ones I was really familiar with, these girls got in my Senior year spring semester when I was MIA because I was trying to graduate and finish my crazy huge research project (which is still incomplete data needs dealt with) but I walked up to them and pushed her shoulder like hey didn't notice me! But they didn't seem to care who I was.  I was upset by this.  So then I get going and walking out of gym I'm now in a hospital / dinosaur muesum.

What?!

Then I see my friend from Subway (worked at for 6 years) who also ended up at my college,  he was in scrubs and doing his rotation? Though in my head in my dream I was pretty sure he was going for liberal arts.  But it was just strange to see him in my dream we just talked and caught up?! We never actually talked or anything, just friends he's like years younger and haven't worked or seen him in years. 

Then I walked out of the gym/hospital/muesum and got lost going to my car, which is nothing new I do that everyday.

The only thing I can understand is the sorority issue, I feel bad for not being around my last year really after so much that happened.  I do love my sisters and their support but I think I fear the new girls.  Not knowing how they will be in my chapter and what the outcome of the chapter will be.  Also I am nervous I think to go home in Feburary to attend our White Rose Formal.  As for the rest, this just makes me wonder what the heck is going on in my subconcince?!  What random dreams mean at all!!

Unproductive Employee

I never really have a theme for a blog yet, just going off from my previous day.

Work:

So I feel weird when I do not have any assignments really to do, or I do but they are done with my Boss at a specific time. Also if I come in early or stay late to makeup hours for a time I want to take a day off (no vacation hours) or leave early, I actually really don't have anything to do. Hence me blogging at work or always looking at scientific journals online. My boss tells me its okay if I am reading articles or my Molecular Cloning books because he knows that he doesn't give me enough work to do to keep me occupied all day long.

Though the other women in my lab are busy all the time and when I am doing this I feel awkward and ashamed. There are days I help them and take a load off of their shoulders because there is no work for me and I do maintain the lab by cleaning up and stocking all our chemicals and such that are used frequently. But still, I don't know if many people are in my situation, I am not given a lot of work because I only have a B.S. and everyone else whom is also 30+ and has their masters degree. Though really I am so so so fortunate to actually even have this job for just graduating this past may, so I believe that is why I really don't want to ruin it by not working, yet my boss doesn't care, per say.

For example today, I came in at 7 a.m. (hour early) so that I can leave at 3 p.m. (as long as I eat lunch quick and don't take an hour), but all I have to do is fertilized plants (1/2 tops) and measure plants (45mins tops), then after lunch @ 1:30 do a routine experiment with my boss (1 hr tops). I feel that if I do my morning work all at once I am lazy, if I do it off an on same.

Its a great job! Trust me, you wear jeans and a top no real dress code they said its business causal but they let the scientist wear whatever since no one sees us ha-ha, but the front office people are all business all the time.

Fall:
So living in the south is obviously quite different than living on the US and Canadian border which is like an ice pole. This morning I took my puppy outside in just jeans and a t and felt so great! The leaves here are finally changing color, only because it hasn't rained everyday here. So they are just dying. They really don't change like PA, no bright colors from the cold stress (nerd) they get like orange, a little red, then brown and on the ground. But there are so many evergreens here that when your driving down the high way everything for the most part is still green, and its like small holes of trees are changing color.

I am surprised how excited I am to go home next week, I really didn't think I would. I think maybe its just familiar up there and it's what I expect. I keep thinking it's going to just get super cold here, but then I remember where I am! lol

GYM:
So I went to the gym last night (yay), I really wanted to try a cycling class. My brother (brojangles) told me that him and his wife go all the time to them. I was definitely nervous! I mean going into a class that (1) you've never done before, (2) you don't know anyone in there, (3) it's in the dark lol I think its for the energy, not quite sure. Every time I look in the class looks awesome. So I got to the gym early, little after 5p.m. the class didn't start until 6:15 ha! So I worked on the elliptical for 30mins doing intervals, then the treadmill for 20ish minutes with an incline to keep the heart rate up... So then finally 50 some minutes later I was def ready for the class!!! I walk in, everyone knows what their doing and adjusting the bikes for them. I just stare at it, pretending I know what I'm doing. I swear sometimes I'm more like a guy and don't ask for direction and just go with it! I was surprised at the amount of guys in the class!!! It seems like that with all of the classes at my gym men participate, I have never seen that back home! The class was def a work out of the legs, also kinda stressed my knees out. But we did "hills," speed, and like aerobics, it was a 30/60/90 mins class so you could stay for however many minutes you wanted, which by the way 60 was plenty!!!!

Today my trainer at 5p.m. which is also why I'm here at work so early!

Day 1 Meal Plan = Suck

So well today was my first day of my planned meals! Ha! okay so I ate 6-7 times today and was still hungry!!! Also who knew blackbeans take like entire day to make! The ones that are already cooked have a crazy high sodium which I can't consume with this mean plan. I have decided since I'm allowed to have dessert, darn it i'll def be eating it! So I bought skinny cow chocolate ice cream bars and they are yummy yummyy (only 100cals) actually lower than most of the weight watcher ones.

my session with the trainer went well, we went over my "homework" plan which I do when I am not with her. It's pretty intense, we had to up grade it to be more challenging because I'm not too out of shape. I was shaking by the end :) meet again this thursday. So it has been one day for food(I've already made my lunch for tomorrow)

Well I have been doing well I think, i have gone everyday since last wednesday minus Sunday which has always been my one day off. So Day 6 at gym complete :)

UPDATE ON PUPPY:

Baby gate means nothing! She flew over it. lol Put Diaper on her, came home and she ate it! lol

peed on my floor about 5 mins ago, biting me, and now racing around the apt.

Still making beans (1 1/2 hours left) lol

I know i'm only 122lbs but I still love watching the Biggest loser!